he wants to bone in the snuggie
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize