Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
