dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
