Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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