The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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