His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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