You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
