There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
