dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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