before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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