i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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