When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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