i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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