I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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