I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
