i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
My ATM looks so different sober.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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