he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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