Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
