i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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