so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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