I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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