i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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