im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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