I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
