I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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