in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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