i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
