So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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