i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
