I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize