peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
