I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
my shit smells like andre
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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