Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
