MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Randomize
