what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
