After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
