Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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