I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
