I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
