I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
