Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
