Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
