if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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