she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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