you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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