In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
and she was petting her beer can
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
