My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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