So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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