you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
ttyl tear gas
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
