so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
