maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
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