I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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