Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
