Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize