wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
