he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
