Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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