Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
