It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
