So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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